


When I Grow Too Old To Dream

by lunalovegoods



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Giving up on dreams, I'm so sorry, M/M, Nostalgic Raphael Santiago, Worried Simon Lewis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 09:03:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9228059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunalovegoods/pseuds/lunalovegoods
Summary: Simon asks Raphael what he wanted to be when he grew up, and Raphael says he's given up on all dreams and doesn't want to talk about it.**"When I grow too old to dream, I'll always have you to remember." -Nat King Cole





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MobileToyBox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MobileToyBox/gifts).



> dedicated to Jen, for supporting my first fic. I love you, pal.

Simon had just finished Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix in his shared room with Raphael, and was thinking about his life before being a vampire. 

He'd never go to school again. He couldn't go to college or study English or film or music. If he wanted to publish a book, it would take a lot of work, seeing as he would have no particular professional qualifications or sense of status. 

He didn't have to worry about exams, like the characters in Harry Potter did. Oddly enough, he missed it. 

He missed being able to dream about his future. 

As much as he hated it, he missed normalcy. 

Sighing almost sullenly, he set his book to the side and stared up at the ceiling from his spot in the bed. In the midst of his wallowing, he heard the bedroom door open and close- around the same time Raphael came in every day. 

The tapping of light footsteps and the shuffling of belongings sounded through the room, pervading the silence that had encapsulated Simon all day. 

Finally, Raphael spoke. "Alright, why are you upset?" 

Simon sighed dramatically, to break the tension. The corners of Raphael's lips quirked upwards. "I'm just thinking...." 

Raphael hummed, then went about the room, gathering more comfortable clothes. 

Simon bit his lip and sat up in the bed. Should he ask? 

He gulped once, and knew very well Raphael sensed his anxiety. 

"Spit it out, Simon. It's okay." 

Simon glanced around the room awkwardly. "What did you want to be when you grew up... You know, before...?" He let his voice fade away. 

Raphael stopped in his tracks, his back turned to Simon, looking for a shirt in the closet. Simon could see the muscles in his shoulders tense up and heard Raphael inhale quietly but sharply. 

Simon knew he shouldn't have asked that, it was stupid of him. He knew better than to intrude on a vampire's past life- being turned isn't a pleasant experience, he would know. 

"I'm so-" 

"No," Raphael said. "It's fine, I understand your interest. But it doesn't really matter. That was a long time ago, you forget how old I really am, Simon." He chuckled to himself. "I'm too old for dreams, anyways." 

He meant to say it lightly, but it was definitely dark and sullen. He was letting his emotions seep into the way he presented himself, something he didn't do often. 

Simon frowned. "Oh, um alright... Let's... There's a movie I've been wanting to see, let's do that." 

Raphael looked down at his house clothes and sighed. He did cause the tension to grow, he supposed relaxation could wait. 

** 

"Did you like it?" Simon asked, smiling slightly as they walked back to the Hotel. 

"I'm not one for mundane movies, but I'll admit, it wasn't horrible," Raphael said quietly. 

Simon perked up a little and began to ramble animatedly about the movie and the characters. Raphael listened half-heartedly all the home. His mind was still stuck on Simon's question. 

He did have dreams as a child, and he remembered them. He remembered pretending to be a builder with his siblings. He remembered pretending to be a teacher, a firefighter, a policeman. 

But most of all, he always wanted to be a doctor. He wanted to save people, ironically enough. 

"A doctor," he blurted unwillingly. 

"And then the- what?" 

"I wanted to be a doctor. But I've given up on that, for... obvious reasons." 

Simon frowned. "Oh..." He got quiet for a moment before saying, "I'm sure there's some way-" 

"I'm not one for false hope, Simon. But thank you." They lapsed into a heavy silence, before taking a right, finding themselves in front of the Hotel. 

"I wanted to write. Or play music," Simon admitted. "I'm starting to think I should give up on those too." 

Raphael looked at him. "I never want to hear that from you. Never give up. You have a choice, don't lose it." 

Simon shook his head. "This is my life now. Besides, when I grow too old to dream, I'll always have you to remember." 

Raphael quite liked the sound of that. 

"Let's rest a little." 

"Okay."


End file.
